There were times when he missed the silence, the peace that came with it. The silence that wasn’t overbearing or laced with pain and distrust in a world that had fallen apart years ago. He missed the silence that came with meditation. Missed the silence that would wrap around him like a warm blanket as he watched over two boys he had grown to love and respect.

But that silence was gone, lost the day Sam Winchester said yes, the day the world had actually gone to hell. It had been teetering on the edge for months, but the day Sam said yes, it fell and so did the people with it.

Now there was a constant buzz, irritant and angry at his ear. Drugs, alcohol, sex, nothing could keep it down or away. And when silence did come, it was the silence that accompanied death and emptiness and in some ways, that silence was worse then the sound.

Today was a day of silence, though the arrival of a fresh, young, and ignorant Dean fought hard to keep it away. Castiel smiled, the first real one in a long time, as he watched the young man go head to head with the older Dean, the one who had given up and lost everything, including Castiel. He smiled in the silence that was interrupted sporadically by both Winchesters and thought back to days when he was clean, when he was happy, when he had believed in Dean even more than he had ever believed in God.

Today, Castiel bowed his head and wept. Today, the silence that permeated the air with foreboding, pain, and death overwhelmed him. Today, Dean, his Dean, the Dean he had grown older with died. Today, Castiel wished he was clean.

He knew in this life, he never would be.